The Only Survey You'll Ever Get
For all those people who forward me surveys (you know who you are), here is my definitive answer, which you may use for future reference every time you are tempted to hit that "Send" button.
(1) The singular boring question: What is your name?
Colleen Nicole Fischer...not "Coleen," not "Collen"
(2) If you had been born a member of the opposite sex, what would your name have been?
Probably Sebastion, I hear my mom likes that name (yikes!!)
(3) Would you name a child of yours after you?
No, that's too confusing...and what if the child were a boy? My God, "Colleen" means "girl," how traumatic!
(4) If you had to switch first names with a friend of yours, who would you switch with?
Are you saying there's something wrong with my name?
(5) What's the way people most often mispronounce any part of your name?
Misspellings are far more common (see above), but I do get the occassional "Coh-leen."
6) If you were to become famous, would you drop your last name (like Madonna, Cher, Roseanne)?
No...I'd either append my middle name (and maybe even get really ambitious and add a fourth name!) or I'd lose the given names entirely and go by my initials.
Deep Theological Questions
(7) Do you believe in the traditional view of Heaven and Hell?
To tell the truth, I'm not entirely sure what those are...I'm generally pretty sure the presence of God is considered Heaven and the absence of God is considered Hell. Or something like that.
(8) Do you think God has a gender?
Of course not. Silly question.
(9) Do you think science counteracts religion?
(10) Do you believe in organized religion?
(11) Where do you think we go when we die?
Don't we cover this somewhat in that Heaven and Hell question? Well, I suppose that, technically speaking, we end up in a box in the ground or floating around in the air as ash, but spiritually...well, if all dogs can go to Heaven, why can't we?
(12) Do you feel a little funny thinking about the questions in this section?
It seemed kind of odd going from naming my future children to deciding my post-mortem residence.
(13) How easy is it to make you laugh?
Not too hard, if I'm in a good mood. But catch me on the wrong day and I might make you cry for trying.
(14) What person you know makes you laugh the most?
Everybody makes me laugh. And I make lots of people laugh without trying...take that as you will.
(15) Do you laugh at jokes you know you shouldn't?
Sometimes...but I shouldn't talk about it.
(16) Do you tell jokes you know you shouldn't?
Only if they are especially cruel.
(17) What words instantly make you laugh or at least smile?
(18) What do you think is the funniest thing you've ever said or written?
"You can't make me like squash by looking at me like that."
"Deep down inside, I know I'm better than all of you."
"That just made them sicker, and, well, more dead."
"I don't sound stupid!"
So sad, really.
(19) Do you ever dance to music when nobody's watching?
Why wait until no one's looking?
(20) What is/are the worst song(s) you have ever heard?
French hip hop. Need I say more?
(21) What song(s) do you wish you could understand a little better?
I don't know, I never listen that closely.
(22) What song(s) are constantly in your head?
Depeche Mode's "I Feel Loved." Bastards.
(23) What song(s) do you think describe your personality best?
U2's "I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For." It captures the essence of my lack of any sense of direction. See you in Timbuktu!
(24) If you were to serenade the object of your affections, which song(s) would you use?
If he had any sense, he would shut me up before I started.
(25) If the object of your affections were to serenade you, what song(s) would you hope he or she used?
How about "The Sound of Silence?"
(26) What movie(s) do you love that nobody else seems to?
The Mummy...damn fine film.
(27) Do you agree with the idea that sequels are always worse than the original?
No way, Empire Strikes Back was much better than Star Wars.
(28) Who's your favorite Star Wars character?
Yoda my favorite character is.
(29) What kind of movie do you think there should be more of?
(30) What movie(s) do you simply not understand the appeal of?
Any film involving Jerry Bruckheimer.
(31) When eating, are you more concerned with taste or healthiness?
Taste...bring on the fries!
(32) What's your favorite kind of cheese?
Ah, what is life without le fromage? Cheddar, Gruyere, Brie, even bleu--cheese makes life good.
(33) What do you think your answer to the previous question reveals about your personality?
That I used to take French. And I have a stinky foot fetish. One of the preceding statements is true.
(34) If you knew exactly what went into Chinese food, hamburger meat, etc., would you still eat it?
I make it my business not to know.
(35) Do you ever feel guilty eating meat?
Only about eating plants.
(36) Mac or PC?
I hate PCs...but I use them. I love Macs...except for the prices. Ah, someday....
(37) How much do you actually care about the inner workings of your computer, as long as it works?
There's nothing wrong with being a computer nerd...or a millionaire.
(38) Do you ever begin preferring IMs to other forms of conversation?
Did I ever not prefer them?
(39) Do you find you're different talking through IMs than face-to-face or on the telephone?
I say a lot more in IMs than I would ever dare say in real life or, God forbid, on the phone.
(40) Have you ever ended bid on something on eBay and regretted it later?
Not on eBay...but let's not talk about my Priceline disasters.
The Battle of the Sexes
(41) Have you ever wished you could experience being the other gender?
(42) What do you love most about the other gender?
Their different slant on life.
(43) What do you dislike most about the other gender?
Hmm, can we say one-track minds...?
(44) What do you understand least about the other gender?
How they understand things.
(45) Do you sometimes see a movie or watch a show just because a good-looking celebrity is in it?
Only if it's on television.
(46) What celebrity's autograph do you want most?
Why should I care that someone signed a piece of paper?
(47) Have people ever said you looked like a celebrity, and if so, who?
Not to my knowledge.
(48) If there was to be a movie about you, who do you think should play you (in personality, looks, or both)?
She would have to be an Oscar-caliber actress to capture the many subtleties and intricacies of my complex personality.
(49) Does it ever annoy you when you know someone is a celebrity but you can't remember why?
I never forget why...it's always because of how they look.
(50) If you could enter any celebrity's mind like in "Being John Malkovich," whose would you enter?
I'd be too afraid to enter such a mind.
(51) Do you want to be John Malkovich?
No. And I've never seen that movie.
(52) Do you laugh when you hear or read the number 69?
No, that's stupid and immature.
(53) Were you lying about your answer to the previous question?
You were probably too busy laughing over the number 69 in the last question that you didn't even bother to read my answer, rendering the answer to this question somewhat irrelevant. But no.
(54) Do you actually know your Social Security Number?
Of course. Otherwise I would be without an identity here.
(55) Do you actually know your IP address?
I could look it up.
(56) Do you know what an IP address is?
Of course. I don't mind admitting it.
(57) Do you know the four-character extension on your ZIP code?
For my home address, but not for Northwestern.
(58) Ever thought there were too many numbers floating around in our lives?
There's too much of everything floating around in our lives.
(59) Does your head begin to hurt when you think of infinity, imaginary numbers, irrational numbers, etc.?
(60) What do you think of pi?
Tastes pretty good. (Okay, you got me on the bad pun.)
Love, Sex and All That
(61) Did you get a little frightened or uncomfortable seeing this as a section title?
I bet you did.
(62) If someone you had no interest in dating expressed interest in dating you, how would you feel?
(63) Do you prefer getting to know someone first before dating them or going in "blind?"
I'd like to get to know him first, so we'd have an easier time talking to each other.
(64) Could you carry on a relationship with someone with the same first name as a family member?
Considering the size of my family, having such a problem would seriously limit my options.
(65) Have you ever wished it was more "socially acceptable" for a girl to ask a guy out?
No. I'm a coward, I would prefer that the guy ask me anyway. Besides, whoever said it was not socially acceptable for it to happen the other way around today?
(66) What's your opinion on sex without emotional commitment?
Not a good idea.
(67) Have you ever been romantically attracted to someone physically unattractive?
Countless times...but it's only other people who see them as physically unattractive.
(68) Do you think the opposite sex finds you good-looking?
(69) Would you be willing to give up sex in exchange for an emotional commitment you knew would last?
(70) Do you think the number of the last question was a coincidence?
Not when I'm asked in the very next question if it was a coincidence.
(71) What is your favorite possession?
Life is not about material things. I love my laptop.
(72) What physical, tangible possession do you want most?
(73) How badly do you want it?
Don't care how, I want it now!
(74) Have you ever seen 'The Exorcist'?
Yes, anyone for split pea soup?
(75) How long did it take you to understand why the last question is in this section?
Actually, I didn't care enough to question it.
(76) Does Christmas music too far away from Christmas annoy you?
Christmas anything before Thanksgiving annoys me.
(77) How old do you think you will be before you stop liking getting older?
Never, I will be forever young.
(78) What was the best Halloween costume you ever had?
I was Cleopatra once or twice.
(79) What was the worst Halloween costume you ever had?
I once went with a fifties outfit...but it was grotesquely bright shades of pink and purple.
(80) What holiday do you think has still managed to retain its original meaning?
All the ones we don't like to celebrate.
(81) There are currently no federal holidays during August--what should be put there?
The Holiday from Holidays.
(82) How good is your short-term memory?
(83) How good is your long-term memory?
I can't remember.
(84) What is your earliest memory?
Getting my first pair of roller skates.
(85) What is your happiest memory (other than receiving this survey)?
All memories are happy eventually.
(86) What is your strangest memory?
Until then, they are generally strange.
(87) What song, movie, etc. do you wish you could memorize?
All of them. I want total recall.
(88) What movie makes/made you cry?
None. Unless I'm already feeling sad.
(89) What book makes/made you cry?
None. They just frustrate me.
(90) What song makes/made you cry?
I'm really not that weepy.
(92) Would you like to be cloned?
I cannot be duplicated.
Copyright © 2002 Colleen Fischer | Last updated October 7, 2002