A College Just for You!
April 10, 2000
Ms. Tiffany A. Solike
Hey, I know what you are thinking: another college letter? By now, a fine straight-C student such as yourself probably has received almost half a dozen college solicitation letters. What is it that makes Gobbo University stand out amid this positive deluge?
Gobbo University is unlike any other college you have ever pretended to listen to your parents lecture about. Here at Gobbo, the emphasis is not on boring math problems or sleep-inducing literature, but on what will matter most in your adult life, your ability to enjoy yourself. As former president Thomas Jefferson wrote in some otherwise-pointless document, "The Declaration of Independence": "all men...are endowed with certain unalienable Rights...[including] the pursuit of Happiness" (A1). In case you understandably got a headache while trying to decode those words, they mean that you have the right to party! At Gobbo, we always put your right to have fun above musty academics.
Gobbo University, unlike those snobbish, old-fashioned Ivy League schools, was founded in 1995 by a conglomeration of well-known and fun-loving fraternities and sororities, the only organizations that really matter on a college campus. These fine young people realized that scholarly habits such as listening to lectures and studying were only holding them back from their real purpose in life, namely, to move rhythmically to music, consume food and beverages, and exchange witticisms on bodily functions within a convivial group atmosphere. In other words, unnecessary academics hampered their partying.
To remedy this frightening overstep of educators' bounds, the Greeks, drawing on their fine traditions of democracy and party planning, broke away from tradition, founded their own institution of higher learning and, following a unanimous vote, stripped it of any pretension of actually furthering a student's education. Instead, the totally awesome faculty at Gobbo, drawn exclusively from the Greek set, offer a variety of classes including Cliffs Notes Classics, Calculator Arithmetic, and, their most popular course, Sleeping 101.
Freshmen adjust quickly to the carefree lifestyle enjoyed by Gobbo students. To allow students to feel more comfortable around the faculty, virtually none of the teachers at Gobbo hold even a bachelor's degree. The faculty-student ratio at Gobbo is unimportant, of course, since students are not expected to participate in class in any way. At any rate, most faculty members are too busy partying to notice if students need help, and most students are too busy partying with the faculty to care.
Gobbo students, or "Goblins" as they affectionately call one another, are not a diverse group. They are entirely drawn from the bottom 25% of their classes. No student ever feels intellectually inferior at Gobbo, as often happens at the exorbitantly competitive Ivy League schools. No student ever feels ostracized for any reason at Gobbo, when sober enough to feel anything at all.
However, if you ask any Goblin, Gobbo's best features are definitely its residential facilities and its location. Parents are banned from the campus, so students may feel free to act as they please. In addition, Goblins wallow in luxury in deluxe apartments equipped with state of the art acoustic systems and the latest in colored light technology. Furthermore, Gobbo's campus, in the heart of the Minneapolis club scene, is only minutes away from the Mall of America, the Elysium of the shopping world. Who could ask for anything more?
In summary, Gobbo University's mission is not to enlighten its students. It does not even aim to arouse their natural curiosity about the world. Rather, Gobbo, ranked number one party school by MTV College Review 2000, hopes to keep its students entertained for their last four years of freedom before being tied down to minimum wage jobs for the rest of their lives.
Tiffany, if your performance on the PSAT is any indication, Gobbo University is probably the right school for you. If you would like to plan a campus visit, please return the enclosed postcard and buy yourself a hot new dress. Remember, at Gobbo University, America's longest-running party, it is always two guys for every girl!
Jack G. Launcelot
Copyright © 2002 Colleen Fischer | Last updated October 7, 2002