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Poems

Thunderstorms
In Flight
Questions
Forced Smiles
Shackles
Recluse
Where
Burn
Winter
Happy Oblivion
Ducking Destiny
Chance of Showers
Chance Encounters
Myopia
The Thinking Dog
Misbehavior
The Race
Flight of the Ostrich
Monster Under My Bed
The Rose Garden
Haiku
Window Shopping
Dramatic Romances
Musings on Nature
A Day at School
The Holy Light
A Rainy Night

Stories

The Roller Coaster
The Purse
Sammy's Lesson
The Legend of the Hungry Dragon
Spirits in the Night

Essays

Essays
My Philosophy of Life
Five Scholarship Questions
Booker T. Washington and W.E.B. DuBois
Prophets for God
My Service Project (1999-2000)
My Service Project (1997-1998)
The Beauty of the Forest
Reaching Beyond

Satires
The Pastry Menace
A College Just for You!
The Rights of Plants

Literary Analyses
Saving Harry:  Clearing the Controversy Over Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone
Essays on Wuthering Heights
The Creature in Frankenstein and the Self-Fulfilling Prophecy
Edna's Decision in The Awakening
Character Comparison in Kate Chopin's The Awakening
Why The Chosen?

Research Papers
Race, Norms, and the Sidewalk
Analytical Exercise
The Validity of Comparing Governments
The British System: Legal-Rational Or Traditional?
The Importance of Framing
Madison on Factions
Spirituality and the Brain
Sea Water and Conductivity

Speeches
Clinic Violence: A "Moral" Way to Bring About Change?
Graduation Speech
The Call to Relationship
Mark Twain Speaks Again (original version)
Mark Twain Speaks Again (shortened version)

Editorials
The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn
The Year 2000
Hunting for Sport?

Articles
Mercury Spill Exercise
Chocolate Feature Exercise
Character Sketch
Reaction Story
Aspiring Actress Profile
"Shark Attack" Exercise
Villa Maria Academy Hosts Diversity Panel

Nonfiction
Coastal Vacation

A College Just for You!

April 10, 2000

Ms. Tiffany A. Solike
243 Easy St.
Erie, PA 16505

Dear Tiffany,

Hey, I know what you are thinking: another college letter? By now, a fine straight-C student such as yourself probably has received almost half a dozen college solicitation letters. What is it that makes Gobbo University stand out amid this positive deluge?

Gobbo University is unlike any other college you have ever pretended to listen to your parents lecture about. Here at Gobbo, the emphasis is not on boring math problems or sleep-inducing literature, but on what will matter most in your adult life, your ability to enjoy yourself. As former president Thomas Jefferson wrote in some otherwise-pointless document, "The Declaration of Independence": "all men...are endowed with certain unalienable Rights...[including] the pursuit of Happiness" (A1). In case you understandably got a headache while trying to decode those words, they mean that you have the right to party! At Gobbo, we always put your right to have fun above musty academics.

Gobbo University, unlike those snobbish, old-fashioned Ivy League schools, was founded in 1995 by a conglomeration of well-known and fun-loving fraternities and sororities, the only organizations that really matter on a college campus. These fine young people realized that scholarly habits such as listening to lectures and studying were only holding them back from their real purpose in life, namely, to move rhythmically to music, consume food and beverages, and exchange witticisms on bodily functions within a convivial group atmosphere. In other words, unnecessary academics hampered their partying.

To remedy this frightening overstep of educators' bounds, the Greeks, drawing on their fine traditions of democracy and party planning, broke away from tradition, founded their own institution of higher learning and, following a unanimous vote, stripped it of any pretension of actually furthering a student's education. Instead, the totally awesome faculty at Gobbo, drawn exclusively from the Greek set, offer a variety of classes including Cliffs Notes Classics, Calculator Arithmetic, and, their most popular course, Sleeping 101.

Freshmen adjust quickly to the carefree lifestyle enjoyed by Gobbo students. To allow students to feel more comfortable around the faculty, virtually none of the teachers at Gobbo hold even a bachelor's degree. The faculty-student ratio at Gobbo is unimportant, of course, since students are not expected to participate in class in any way. At any rate, most faculty members are too busy partying to notice if students need help, and most students are too busy partying with the faculty to care.

Gobbo students, or "Goblins" as they affectionately call one another, are not a diverse group. They are entirely drawn from the bottom 25% of their classes. No student ever feels intellectually inferior at Gobbo, as often happens at the exorbitantly competitive Ivy League schools. No student ever feels ostracized for any reason at Gobbo, when sober enough to feel anything at all.

However, if you ask any Goblin, Gobbo's best features are definitely its residential facilities and its location. Parents are banned from the campus, so students may feel free to act as they please. In addition, Goblins wallow in luxury in deluxe apartments equipped with state of the art acoustic systems and the latest in colored light technology. Furthermore, Gobbo's campus, in the heart of the Minneapolis club scene, is only minutes away from the Mall of America, the Elysium of the shopping world. Who could ask for anything more?

In summary, Gobbo University's mission is not to enlighten its students. It does not even aim to arouse their natural curiosity about the world. Rather, Gobbo, ranked number one party school by MTV College Review 2000, hopes to keep its students entertained for their last four years of freedom before being tied down to minimum wage jobs for the rest of their lives.

Tiffany, if your performance on the PSAT is any indication, Gobbo University is probably the right school for you. If you would like to plan a campus visit, please return the enclosed postcard and buy yourself a hot new dress. Remember, at Gobbo University, America's longest-running party, it is always two guys for every girl!

Sincerely,

Jack G. Launcelot

Bouncer


Copyright © 2002 Colleen Fischer | Last updated October 7, 2002